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From SeeingBlack.com Spirit/Health Dear Heart to Heart:
Dear Heart to Heart: I am a 22-year-old mother of two small children. I recently left my husband of three years who was emotionally and physically abusive. Shortly after our breakup, I met a man who was absolutely perfect. He did everything I liked, exactly the way I liked, and I was absolutely ecstatic. We dated for about 2 months, and I was afraid I was falling in love with this perfect, beautiful man. However sometimes he would say things like, “You’re my karma,” or “You’re the one that’s gonna break my heart.” I just tried to assure him that I meant no harm. He would tell me that he had never been in a serious relationship before and he was scared about what I was doing to him. Well, one day after he visited I noticed that $600 was missing from my wallet. I was devastated that he would do that to me. My son’s birthday was the next day and that was the money for his cake and gifts. His explanation was that he was in love with me, didn’t mean to hurt me, and only took the money as a way to get me to leave him for good so he can avoid risking having his heart broken. Isn’t that crazy? He has since offered to bring me back the money and make things right. He says he’s finally ready to accept that I love him, and I want to believe this but my best friend tells me that I should be more appalled than I actually am. She says I should be angrier about the money, and I am angry because I actually love this man. I am so confused! Help me. Dear His Karma: Please note that both you and the letter-writer above in “New Relationship” claim to be confused when both of these situations are so very clear! It seems that when we don’t want to see or face what is actually going on in front of us, we often say we are confused. Anyway, back to your letter. First let me praise you for getting out of your abusive situation but please don’t put yourself in another one. Abuse, as I’m sure you know, takes on a multitude of forms. Particularly when you have children, it is important not to introduce random men to them until you are in a loving, committed, HEALTHY relationship with the person. Red flags went up for me when you referred to this man as “perfect” and doing everything the way you liked. This man sounds extremely manipulative, a classic trait of an abuser. You wrote, “Isn’t that crazy?” Follow your instincts, yes it is! Your girlfriend is also correct. The fact that he would steal (forget his absurd explanation!) $600 from your wallet should have been enough to have you calling the police and seeking a restraining order against him. Since that wasn’t your response however, it’s time for you to figure out why not. As I often ask, why would you choose to love someone who makes it clear they do not value you or the relationship? Love is not proven by stealing money from a person - sorry! (Also, by the way, karma has to do with the sum of a person’s thoughts, words and actions in his/her previous and current life so whatever your friend’s karma is, it’s based on his own behavior.) My suggestion is some strong therapy for you around your choices in men and around learning to love yourself first and foremost! Dear Heart to Heart, My girlfriend of about four months, DD, who is 40 years old and childless, recently disclosed to me that her 10-year-old goddaughter is the offspring of a former lover. I met CC several weeks ago on a trip we took to their home town of and she is now with DD for the summer. DD had previously cited her relationship with the girl's mother, ‘Pam’, as her primary connection to CC but she let it slip that she had actually known the father first. The reason DD had to tell me the whole story is because CC recently taunted me by saying, “My daddy was DD’s boyfriend before you!” DD had spoken of 'Mark' soon after we met with some degree of sympathy and admiration, making no mention of him having been either a former boyfriend or CC’s father. She described him in rather graphic detail as a straight up ‘thug,’ a violent, heavily tattooed ex-con and former substance abuser - and White. DD revealed to me that both Pam and Mark’s new lady have expressed some feelings of insecurity regarding whatever feelings or intentions that may exist between her and Mark. I found the accusation unbelievable at the time since DD is a bright, independent, personable and very attractive Black woman whom a guy like Mark could never DREAM of attracting. I asked her if they had dated and she consistently denied having done so. But DD finally did admit that she had dated Mark some time before he met Pam during a time in her life when she needed someone who was “rough” and able to make her feel “safe” in the somewhat unsavory environment in which she then worked – part-time. Now I don’t know what to think. DD has confided to me that she has had a lot of ill-advised relationships in the past which she specifically now regrets often became “physical” much too soon. It is for this reason that we began our relationship with a commitment to celibacy. This is a difficult situation for me because she’s been very good to me—loving, affirming and understanding. But I don't feel good about her having kept all of this from me and wonder if there is more to what appears to be a continuing relationship with this man. I’ve been through deceitful relationships before… so I don’t like feeling that I’m being lied to, deceived or uninformed. But does any of this really matter? Am I the one who’s insecure? Any suggestions/comments? Dear DD’s Man: I admire much about the way you have proceeded in this relationship. You seem to be very loving and caring toward DD and accepting about her goddaughter CC’s presence in her life. It is also commendable that you both have made a commitment to celibacy. The issue to be resolved in your relationship, however, is one of trust. You need to be able to trust her and she has not made that easy. I suspect that there may be other issues that she has not been forthcoming about, although I hope this is not the case. And yes, it matters. I’d suggest having a real heart-to-heart with DD, telling her what your concerns are and asking her why she wasn’t truthful about the CC/Mark situation and whether she would agree to go to couples counseling with you. If her answers aren’t satisfactory, I hope you’ll start looking for what you deserve: someone who is appreciative, loving and, most of all, honest. 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