From SeeingBlack.com
Heart-to-Heart: Booty Call
By Patricia Elam--SeeingBlack.com Heart-to-Heart Columnist
Nov 29, 2006, 12:12
Dear Heart to Heart:
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| Patricia Elam |
I'm 41 and have been celibate for four years. He was cheating with anything that could claim female genes and had a pulse. He gave off major attitude whenever I called him on it and I stopped seeing him. He would straighten up for a while but I finally severed all ties with him and several of our mutual friends four years ago. I feel I'm suffering because I can't go to some restaurants, clubs, etc. we all used to frequent because I know I will run into him and some of the guys. They blame me for a lot of the issues because to hear him tell it he never does anything wrong. To give a little background I've known him since I was 14 but we only started dating in the last 6 years and during that time I got pregnant. He was so immature, I terminated the pregnancy, as he told everyone that would listen that he wasn't the father. He's 43 but acts like 12 when it suits his needs. I currently do not trust most men. How do I open up and become more receptive and trusting?
Dear Celibate:
In the big scheme of things four years of celibacy is not a long time. It means you’re taking time to care for and celebrate yourself. Congratulations. Hopefully, you will make sure the conditions are optimum before you share that precious part of yourself again. As for the man you mentioned, you yourself said he’s immature and he’s obviously not ready to handle a committed relationship. I’m not sure why you would stop yourself from going places you enjoy simply because he and his friends might be there. Ignore them. I agree that you needed to totally extricate yourself from him so that you could be free to pursue a healthy relationship instead of a toxic one. Always ask the question - is this person building me up or tearing me down? Be honest with yourself and your answer. If it’s the latter, you’ve got to roll out. But also be careful not to assume every man is bad, just because your experiences thus far haven’t been the best. Good, honest men are out there, waiting for good, honest women. (Sadly, some women are trying to be “playas” too.) In your future relationships, spend time cultivating friendships first. Let the friendship build -the same way you would with a new woman friend- until trust is established. Don’t put a time limit on it. Sex can wait, as you know, until you find the trust you’re seeking and until you’re sure, unequivocally, that both of you are equally committed to one another. If the guy is not willing to wait or be patient, he’s clearly not the one. There’s just no short cut to a solid relationship.
Dear Heart to Heart:
I have a good friend who is completely being used for one thing (a booty call). My friend has known this man for about 10 years total. They have been having booty calls for about three years now. Before this guy had sex with her, he used to go out to the movies with her, out to dinner and talk about their past/present relationships at each other’s house. Ever since they starting doing booty calls about once a month he never takes her out ever, never even buys her a card for her birthday and she doesn't go to his home anymore. She feels he is making up for not buying her anything or taking her out by coming to her home at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning for booty calls on special occasions like Christmas, New Years, Labor day, Memorial day, birthdays, etc.
He actually was dating another woman and he took her out to dinner and sent her flowers at her work but they broke up. Do you believe this guy called my friend when he was upset about the break up with the other woman? My friend feels that eventually since she doesn't demand anything from him that he will eventually realize she is the one. She is driving me nuts with her crazy way of thinking. She is a very independent, pretty women, what is her problem? Why is she putting up with this? She's 40 but still looks young and she attractive, she cries that she wants to have kids someday and feels that he will be the one. Every time I tell her that he is just using her, she cries and gets upset with me for saying that. I don't know what to say any more and I'm tired of hearing it but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What do I do?
Dear Friend of BC (Booty Call):
Try to hang in there with your friend. She’s going to need you to lean on if she keeps seeing this creep. She doesn’t seem to understand that she is settling, like many women do, for less than what she wants and deserves. Your friend behaves this way because her delusional thinking tells her that no matter how bad a situation is, it’s better than nothing. Despite being attractive and “independent,” as you say, she has learned to believe she’s inadequate and not deserving of better treatment. The man is extremely selfish and only interested in having his needs met. Although this is clear to you, she is in denial. There’s not a whole lot you can do to make her face this until she’s ready. My advice is to stop telling her that she’s being used. When she comes to you in tears just say, “When you get tired enough of his behavior, you’ll know what to do.” Remind her of Maya Angelou’s statement to Oprah Winfrey (and I’m paraphrasing here) - “When people show you who they are, believe them.”
Dear Heart to Heart:
I think I’ve met the perfect man for me. He has a lot of the qualities I like. He just got out of a long-term relationship and I’ve been divorced for a year. We have been having sex for three months but he doesn’t want a relationship. I think he’s afraid of getting hurt again. He’s had bad luck in relationships for the last 13 years - divorce, breakups, drama with his kids’ mother. Will this go anywhere or am I just wasting my time?
Dear Wasting Time:
I believe you already know the answer to your question. It’s interesting that you began by saying you think you’ve met the perfect man and then proceed to list so many things that are wrong with him. It’s also interesting that you make excuses for him, similar to Booty Call, in the previous letter. I imagine you’ve been hurt too, having been divorced, and you probably don’t want to be hurt again either. But that hasn’t stopped you from wanting to try again, has it? I’ll give him credit for one thing: being up front in telling you that he doesn’t want a relationship. No deception there. So the question is why do you want to believe otherwise? He’s told you everything you need to know. He wants you only for one thing. You want something different. As long as you keep giving him what he wants, you’ll never get what you want. The ball is in your court, though.
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