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Last Updated: May 24th, 2006 - 09:47:39 |
Dear Heart to Heart:
My father sexually abused me from age 3 to 11. I confronted both parents together when I was 42 after working with a very good counselor. My father at the time said, “It only happened once and, thank goodness,THAT didn’t happen.” THAT, of course, was penetration and, quite frankly, I just recall lots of molestation and masturbation etc. My mother died last month after a very brief illness. As the only child, I handled everything with amazing strength, organized the funeral and supported my father throughout. My very manipulative father now believes everything is ok. Frankly, I don’t want a close relationship with him. I am able to forgive him at a soul level but that doesn’t mean that I like him and I certainly don’t want to spend time with him. How on earth can I say this? Just say it? Ignore him? Any advice would be appreciated. I am sixty now but feel like twenty-five. Thanks for listening – that feels better.
From Forgive?
Dear Forgive?
First of all, I am so sorry that you had this experience as a child but you have handled it in the most mature, healthy way possible so you should be very proud of yourself. Your father sounds like he is in denial and not ready to fully take responsibility for his actions, which, of course, you cannot do anything about. All you can do is continue to take good care of yourself as you have been doing. You owe him nothing. If you do not want a close relationship with him or any relationship with him that is quite understandable and you DO NOT have to force yourself to have one. It does not matter that he is old or that he may become frail or ill – he certainly did not take good care of you when you were young, innocent and trusting.(Remember, his actions were criminal and he could have been prosecuted for them.) He will have to look elsewhere for care when he needs it, even if he has to pay for it. Your responsibility now is to your own health and if being with your father feels unhealthy or unpleasant for you, you must not do it. And yes, tell him that in the way that is most comfortable for you. If it is too hard to say in person, then by all means say it over the phone, by letter or by email. Continue to honor and praise yourself for your courage and do not let anyone tell you that you owe him anything.
All the best to you.
© Copyright 2006 SeeingBlack.com
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