||Last Updated: Jan 10th, 2011 - 11:10:28
Starting a Family ?
For those of you who are contemplating starting a family, please read on. Here is a list of questions you may want to discuss with your mate:
|Photo/Copyright By E. Iverem
Am I able to provide the kind of love needed to insure this infant will survive and prosper?
Most of us can only give what was given to us. If you feel this love was not enough, you should decide how you are going to provide more love and from where you plan on getting it .
Was I given the things needed to overcome the negative society into which I was born?
Most of us were given survival skills growing up but not the skills needed to overcome the negative things that your child will encounter. You must re-educate and learn skills to make it easier for your child to fully blossom. We must do more than just survive, we need to show by our own example how to overcome things.
What am I going to do differently to help my child?
If you have not figured out what went wrong in your own upbringing, you will have a difficult time doing things differently. This is why we continue to make the same mistakes with our own
kids. Be aware of the things your parents were guilty of, and don't repeat them. If your parents were too busy to help you develop into all you could be, then be better to your kids. We can always criticize our parents handling of us as children but must do more than talk. Children seem to follow what they see versus what they hear.
Have I made a difference in my own life?
Your child is on the way to being another you, whatever that is. If you have not put into practice what you are trying to instill in your children, you could be wasting your time. Parents often think that we can get away with expecting things from our youth while not setting the proper example. If you are not a prompt person in practice, don't expect your children to be timely. It never works.
Expect your children to be a product of what they see you doing. Parents are always asking kids "did you hear me?" because their kids have not responded to their repeated request.
Have I solved some of the problems that I encountered as a child? Do I really understand the uniqueness of being Black and all that it means in raising a child?
As parents you have a responsibility of connecting your child to their greatness. Failure to do so will put your child in the position of always being a follower. If you consider yourself a follower, it is because you were not connected to your greatness. As a parent you have the power to create a masterpiece that will be an asset to the world. You can impart a sense of responsibility that will be engrained for life or you can allow the world to give your child those lessons. You have been disconnected from your greatness so you must re-educate in order to direct your kids.
Do I have the answer to the Black family dysfunction that has been part of our experience in America?
We are the victims of some serious past dysfunction that must be addressed. This dysfunction has caused us to be less than we should. Our families are struggling for stories that can be passed
down to ensure continuity of who we really are. Our ancestors here in this country are the products of a really brutal system that didn't allow them to be who they really are. This means we have to teach our offspring our entire history so they are not led to think we have only been slaves.
Is poverty something that will be a part of your child's life? Can I and will I work hard enough to ensure that it’s not?
Only you can be honest enough to answer this question. You know your track record and that is your best guide. If you have not solved the poverty in your own life, why raise children who will
resent you for your selfishness in attempting to raise them in your poverty. Your children’s self-esteem will be tested as they try to navigate life in poverty. Usually poverty will always win and your children will be the big loser. It is hard to get children to be something that you couldn't.
Am I in control of my life or will I have to apologize to this child for the life I've provided?
Don't go into starting a family apologizing for something you knew would happen. No child should be born to people who just wanted to have sex. Your children should see that you were in
control and ready for the task. If not, what will you tell them to explain their presence on this planet. That day will come sooner than you think.
Do I love myself enough to delay this decision until I can provide
some kind of structure and stability?
You should love yourself so that the decision to delay parenthood is easy. Get ready to be a great parent and don't rush into a big mistake. Learn more about yourself and some of the mistakes that
you have witnessed.
Am I from a strong ,close-knit family or is my family fragmented?
Be honest about it. You in most cases will give your child the same sense of family that you had as a child. If that was not a very positive setting. don't gravitate toward a repeat of that by not
changing some things. You must pay close attention to how to solve the problem of fragmented families. Children are much better off with tight-knit families. At some point they will want to
know where your folks are and why you don't want to be around them.
Is my family a good example for my child?
Be honest. Your family should be something of which you are proud. You must solve the questions about the negative factors in your own family and correct them in raising your own.
Can I lead my own child by my own example of being family?
What are you doing about being family? Are you involved in keeping things together or do you see your family only at funerals? Your child will most likely follow your lead. Please, for your child’s sake understand the need to be closer than you have been. Sometimes family is all we have and all that we leave behind. In the event something should happen to you, your kids
would not be in the company of strangers.
Is my child really being brought into a loving caring,
Only you know how caring you both are as parents. If you don't get along without a child, you can forget about a family. The demands placed on you as parents will not allow for selfish needs
on the part of either parent. Why bring a child into a world that you haven't figured out. An uncaring mate is the worst possible scenario and even you should consider a change in mates. These kids need more love than most people can give.
Am I involved in any self-destructive behavior? Is my mate?
Pay close attention to this. People who drink too much, do drugs, or are abusive are to be excluded from parental consideration until they have proven their mastery over their problems. To give the gift of life to a person involved in self-destructive behavior is the kiss of death. Don't be talked into it. It will not save your relationship.
Am I really proud of my mate’s potential parenting skills? Or am I
Consider that you as the parent will nurture and be the first teacher. You must have the energy needed to continue the pace necessary to propel your children to their greatness. There are no
bad kids just lazy parents.
Will I dedicate my life for the benefit of my child?
We all want nice, big, happy kids but are you prepared in case your child needs more than the usual attention. Most people are ill-prepared to handle just the normal child. You must be dedicated for the task at hand no matter what. Remember the more enlightened the parents, the more enlightened the child. Please study this list and try to make a wise choice. We are responsible for the next generation. You must have some passion for your duties as future
mothers or fathers. Give your offspring a chance by solving your own childhood issues. A confused parent will only produce a confused child. Please understand a child is a mirror reflection of the job you did or didn't do.
I want to leave you with these thoughts: Most kids fail in life because the parents did not show enough love. Not showing enough love is the single biggest missed factor in understanding
what went wrong when kids fail. The love I refer to has nothing to do with material things. It is a love that is constant and undeniable from the child's point of view. If you are too busy for your kids, they will feel your lack of love. If you are distracted by your own life, your child will not feel loved. Love is the one thing we must have to ensure a healthy transition into adulthood. Most
dysfunctional adults would be okay if they would have just feltloved as kids. When love is missing, people seek it any way they can. They mistake drugs for love. They mistake bad mates for love. Any substitute will do. The real love you give today will be the medicine against bad habits in the future. Thanks, and good luck with your decision.
Dalani Aamon is Founder and CEO of The Harambee Radio Network.
www.harambeeradio.com. His book website is http://www.dalaniaamon.com
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