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Last Updated: Oct 28th, 2008 - 13:15:38 |
Dear Heart to Heart:
I was seeing a much younger man (him, 21--me, 31) for about two years. At first I refused to date him because of the age difference but eventually he won me over. He would talk about marrying me, the kind of house he wanted for us, the wedding, the children. I would listen but mentally dismissed it because of his age. On multiple occasions I gave him the option of seeing other people because he was so young. Each time he refused but eventually I busted him with another woman and immediately dumped him. That was over four years ago.
For about five or six months after we split, I refused to talk to him, wouldn't answer his calls or return his messages. But he kept coming back, calling from different and/or blocked numbers and eventually showing up at my door. A year after turning him away I asked him why he wouldn't go away. He told me that he loved me and would always be a part of my life even though he was still with the other woman. I am okay if he is happy with someone else but he tells me that isn't the case, that he's just trying to get his money together.
He would come back, asking for another chance, I would cave and consider it. Then after a day or two or a week, he=d disappear. Four years later, he still comes back. He doesn't care whether I'm seeing someone. If I try to turn him away nicely, it just means wait and come back later. The last time was a few weeks ago and I asked why he comes back and then disappears. He says when he gets his money together it won=t be like this. His pattern didn=t change though so I left him a message that I am done and don=t want anymore contact. He left a message telling me that I can=t ignore him. He says he loves me and wants a future with me. His actions say something different. I don=t get it. Do you have any insight?
Dear I Don't Get It:
First of all, no one can come back if you don't allow them to. Because you have been ambivalent about wanting him in your life, you have sent him mixed messages so he=s accepting the message he wants. He knows you are not serious when you say that it=s over or don't want to see him anymore. You need to first be honest with yourself and determine why you still want him in your life, despite all that he=s shown you about who he is and is not, with no signs of changing. (Realize he is using you just as much as he is using the other woman and age doesn't factor into this equation at all!) Please understand that you won't be able to let someone in who truly cares about you until you completely let go of the one who does not.
Dear Heart to Heart:
I met a young lady online. I am in Africa and she is in America. We have chatted online, exchanged pictures and she told me all about herself. The problem is that she has been heartbroken from two or three previous relationships and vowed never to love another man again. I have been trying to prove that all men are not the same. I told her how I feel about her, that I love her and want to be with her yet she won't agree. How do I convince her that I want to be with her, that I love her?
Dear Convince:
First of all, the distance between you is quite a challenge and you didn't say whether there had been any visits so I am assuming not. Without seeing the person and dating for awhile it is very difficult to actually know and love another person. I think you should slow down and not try to convince her of anything right now. Rather, I suggest putting your energy towards further building the relationship and saving money so that the two of you can see each other face-to-face in the near future.
In the meantime continue being caring, supportive and interested in her life when you communicate with her. She is obviously interested in meeting men or she wouldn't have pursued online dating. When she says she will never love another man or something to that effect, just ignore it. Don't try to push her one way or another. If you and she are destined to be together then the two of you will make it happen. If not, you will get back on that computer and find someone else. I'd also suggest returning to old-fashioned ways of dating, like joining clubs or being introduced to friends of friends.
Best of luck.
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