Heart to Heart:
SeeingBlack.com's Funky Advice Column
Damage to Heart and Home

By Patricia Elam

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Dear Heart to Heart:

I’m in a relationship of seven weeks and things are starting to go bad. In the beginning everything was wonderful, but for the past two weekends I received bad vibes. We live a distance from one another so he has me stay all weekend and leave early Monday mornings. I’m starting to feel something for this man and...I don’t know if he’s afraid of all this. He was married for 20 years and has been divorced for one year after his ex-wife cheated on him. I’m only the second woman he’s been with and I know things were moving fast, but he doesn’t call as much as he used to and I’m not sure what kind of message he’s trying to get across but he says he doesn’t want to get too serious and that he has a good time when we’re together. Is he telling me that he only wants to get together for sex and fun but doesn’t want a real relationship? He is very athletic and my body has damage from having children and wonder if it’s me that has the problem not him. This man is everything that I’ve been looking for and so much more than I could ever imagine. I know that when I see him every Friday afternoon he is so excited to see me. I’m afraid because I don’t want to be too clingy and make him tired of me. He tells me that everything is ok but he did tell me that things are getting so intense with our relationship that he is feeling like he’s married again. Please help.

Dear Bad Vibes:

You may have resolved your situation by now but I see some familiar patterns in your letter so the advice may be helpful to others. First of all, a man whose wife of 20-years cheated on him, is very likely not ready for another long-term relationship. He may still be experiencing emotional pain and harboring conflicting feelings for his ex. But I’m more concerned about you. You seem to be finding all kinds of things wrong with you while basically declaring him perfect. (References to body changes after childbirth as “damage” and worrying about being “clingy.”) So many women do this and it drives me crazy! No relationship is worth putting yourself down like this. Your only issue, as far as I can see, is that you had sex too soon with him. And I don’t mean there’s a magic waiting period. If you’ve been reading this column, you know I’m against having sex before both people are committed to the relationship. This guy is saying he doesn’t want to get too serious after he’s already had sex with you. My experience has been that many guys think this way while the women they’re sleeping with think just the opposite. Most women have sex because they want to get serious with the person. See the disconnect? Women forget they have the power here but so often, they just give it up along with the goods. So my advice? Take a break from brother man - tell him you don’t have sex with people who aren’t serious about you. And mean what you say. Remind yourself that you deserve better than this and since you obviously want someone who wants a real relationship then this man is not everything you’ve been looking for after all. Who knows – maybe after he’s out there for awhile he’ll realize what he’s missing and come back correct. And if he doesn’t - you’ll be better off.

--Heart to Heart

Dear Heart to Heart:

I have an ex-friend who caused thousands of dollars in water damage to my house and has yet to acknowledge breaking the bathroom water pipes. She also went to the Caribbean carrying around an $800 purse attracting thieves and crackheads. The final straw was when she bought souvenirs and then at the airport told me she didn’t have her cab fare and got pissed off because I told her she should have bought fewer souvenirs. To add insult to injury, she sends me chain email letters about friendship. Would you consider this person a friend?

Dear Ex-Friend:
No. Friends don’t take advantage of friends. The word for this
person is a user or opportunist. Hopefully, you’ve cut her loose.

--Heart to Heart

Need some advice? Patricia Elam is ready to respond. Send your questions to her at heartoheart@seeingblack.com.

— February 3, 2006

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